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There's No Time Like The Present

Saturday 27 July 2019


Recently I've been having a very particular feeling which I really haven't been able to put my finger on for a rather long time - but the feeling of almost being dissatisfied and unhappy with the point I'm in in my life right now and longing for the future and wishing the next ten years away. And I really hope you're ready for a brain-dump-that-makes-no-sense-disguised-as-a-think-piece as that's what you're getting.


It's a feeling that's really been consuming me and I think dissatisfaction is a huge symptom of turning twenty - I've suddenly entered the next decade of my life, I'm no longer a teenager and I'm paying bills separately this year which feels like the most "adult" thing I've done to date. And I'll be honest - I just can't be bothered. I can't be bothered with the next ten years of my life. I don't want to be a poor graduate, I want to be a successful comedy screenwriter now. I don't want to struggle to save for a house, I want to be living my IKEA flatpack and plants and ceramic double butler sink dream now. I don't want to shout every time I see a dog in a park or a baby at work, I want my own dogs and babies now. You see my point?


But the other day I saw something on Pinterest talking about not treating every period of your life as a transition period - not constantly wishing for more that you forget to appreciate what you have now. And I really, really needed that at the moment. You know when you just need to hear something but you didn't know you needed to hear it until you do? Yep, exactly that.

And it got me thinking, and trying to put a finger on when exactly these feelings began running away with me. I think I've mentioned it thousands of times now, but it's got to mainly be down to breaking up with my ex. I spent so much time in first year of uni wishing I wasn't single and subsequently forced a rather toxic relationship, and the same feeling keeps creeping back over me - the feeling of not enjoying where I am now because I just want this to be over. But this time it isn't just applying to relationships, it's applying to every aspect of my life, and it's beginning to consume me a little bit.



And where, I ask you, do you even start to combat a feeling like that? I would love to live each day like it was my last, love every moment, live in the present as much as possible but some days that just isn't feasible. And I think so many of us make this mistake. I spent (spend?) my single years longing to find the love of my life.  I spent my GCSE years longing for sixth form, my sixth form years longing for university and now spending my university years longing for "real life". But I think what we all forget sometimes is that right here, right now actually is "real life" - we're still living every day and just because it's not exactly where we want to be doesn't mean we shouldn't appreciate it.

Something my personal tutor said to me about a year and a half ago during my first ever university crisis stuck with me. He told me he sees so many people on graduation day walk up to the stage, shake hands, receive their certificates and walk off and during the whole time they have a look in their eyes saying "what have I done with three years?" and if anything, I don't want to have that feeling. I waste so much time thinking about my future that I forget to live my present and do the things I want to do now. I'm only a student once, and I only have one year left to be one, so why am I not making the most of that? I'm properly single for the first time in about two years, so why am I not embracing it and learning to be happy on my own once and for all?


So okay. This is me resolving to stop wasting time wishing for something better than what I already have. I'm determined that when I walk up to graduate I will not have wasted three years. I'm determined that in ten years' time when I have my cream kitchen covered in plants and two dogs and a baby I will not look back and realise I wasted my 20s. And above all, I'm determined not to neglect my present as my now defines my future.

Em xx

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