Hello, pals. I promise one day my blog posts will get a) much more frequent and b) much more interesting but for now I've got a think piece once again having a moan about the online community, the way it's changed and how the hell I'm going to deal with it. (Spoiler: I have no idea how I'm dealing with it this time)

I'm not even sure really where to start, but recently I've just been feeling pretty crap, to be frank, about the blogging community and my place in it and my place in this online world. For those of you who don't know, I actually started this blog in 2013 as Hangin' With Mil, and I've been in this thing a long ol' time and yet often I find myself feeling like I only started yesterday. I've struggled with a love-hate relationship with my blog pretty much ever since it started, and the things that generally fuel that is lack of motivation, lack of ideas and lack of time, but I think it's lack of motivation and ideas that tends to get me down the most.

2018 | Thank You, Next

I'm going to be completely honest, 2018 has been a massive bitch for me. Don't get me wrong, it's taken a serious turn for the better September onwards, but the previous eight months?? Honestly, I'd just like to forget they happened.

I think this year has brought about the most personal growth for me. It's gonna sound really really cheesy and cliche but I'm one step closer to finding myself. I'm the sort of person who's never really had an identity as such, I've never been that girl who does this or anything like that but I think this year has led to finding that identity a bit more. Life has strengthened me by throwing me a somewhat toxic relationship and subsequent heartbreak, making me realise that love is not something you can force and a relationship is not something to waste time searching for and trying to make it happen. I've learned how to speak back to people and not let them walk all over me, something that was seriously holding me back. Not that I've turned into a massive bitch or anything (I hope) but I've just learned not to take any shite from anyone. Life's too short for that.

I don't think I'll be setting any concrete New Year resolutions or goals as such this year. Instead, I'm giving myself a motto rather than a resolution and that's simply just to try harder and I'm going to try and apply that to every aspect of my life - my friendships, my blog, my relationship, social media, YouTube, organisation, mental and physical wellbeing - literally everything. I'm the sort of person who doesn't do well with actual goal setting, I tend to pile too much onto myself and then feel bad if I can't do it all. That being said though, I have a few things I want to try and do this year that aren't exactly goals, but things I'm going to challenge myself to just to keep me going, for example I want to educate myself more. 

There are so many fields I'm interested in outside my own, like economics, feminism, politics, psychology etc etc so I think some nonfiction reading is definitely on the cards and with that, I want to write more life-y content on my blog. I was talking to my girl Fran the other day and we've both decided we want to talk more about these things, our opinions, our politics, feminism, change up that content to be a bit more real. Of course, I love my fashion and beauty posts and they won't be going anywhere, but I also want to talk about Brexit and women and intersectionality and all the good social awareness/world affairs stuff because it's all things I love and I'm interested in. 

Also on the blog front, it sort of ties into trying harder but I'm hoping that with the trying harder I'll be able to reach 2000 Instagram followers and 1000 YouTube subscribers. I'm also hoping to go self-hosted this year so hopefully will be able to score myself a few more collaborations. As you can see I've already (kind of) got into the shooting thing again with Ellie, but can we NOT talk about the fact that my face is pretty much reflective in some of these photos??? I know I'm pale, but why am I so shiny?!?!

So there you have it - goodbye 2018, one of the less great years, and hello 2019, who has a very low standard to meet. It's not going to be hard to make this a better one - so bring it the f*ck on.

What are you going to try and achieve this year?

Em xx

Does Taking A Break Make Me A Bad Blogger? | Life Update

You know, I've really been struggling with blogging lately. I've been struggling with things in my personal life too - relationships, moving home, my attitudes to my body and health, just a lot of things seemed to have been going south recently and as a result my blog plummeted south as well. So I took a break. And some would say that it makes me a bad blogger because at the end of the day, I've got an audience and I've got a duty (?) to keep up posting and I made myself feel like a bad blogger and like I owed something to my followers and while some would argue I do, I'd argue I don't actually 'owe' anyone anything.

I think it's important to stress that I do this as a hobby, I don't want to have the pressure on myself to constantly be posting new and exciting content, I remember the days when I literally used to just bash out a someday summary, chuck in my last selfie taken on a Samsung Galaxy Fame and publish it just like that. And honestly, I wish blogging was still as simple as that. There was no pressure to find the perfect flower wall photo location or pose perfectly or have a gorgeous flatlay or write something deep and meaningful - this platform used to be my online diary of sorts and I kind of want to take it back to that - to it's roots, you could say. So that's pretty much what this post is - just a someday summary life update kinda post because, even though it's perhaps not the sort of post people want to be reading, it's what I want to write and surely my platform means my rules?

So what have I been up to in my break, I hear you ask?! Well, honestly not much. Like I said, my big move from halls to house was done and it went very smoothly (apart from someone getting attacked right outside my house the first night, and then my housemate's key getting stolen in the post - I aged thirty years that night out of pure stress and worry but luckily there's no way of tracking the key to the house so we gooood) and honestly, I'm so ready for next year because our house is so lovely and I just wanna live there already!! If anyone wants a post on my house and the move from halls to house let me know!

Like I said, I've been getting back to my roots a bit and with that has come getting back into my makeup and my arty farty looks  which is so much fun!! I've got a post coming out in a few days about why makeup means so much to me but trust me, this got me emotional seeing how good my most recent look turned out - you'd be right in thinking I nearly cried at the amount of love I got on it but then couldn't cry because wet glitter just is not the one.

I also turned 19!! I feel like I wait ages for my birthdays to roll around for some reason haha because all my friends are older than me! This year was a little different as both my mum and dad were at work, my older sister is up in Manchester and my little sister is on NCS so I faced the prospect of a birthday alone at home - until my grandma heard and her exact words were 'well, we can't have that!! Think about what you'd like to do and you and me will go out!' so we spent a lovely day in Waterperry Gardens in Oxford (call me boring but I love public gardens) and we also had afternoon tea which was SO GOOD. This is also where all the pretty flower photos breaking up this post came from!!

I think that's about all to update on at the moment to be honest! My July vlog will be coming out in a couple of weeks if you're interested in seeing what I got up to on video - I'm also umming and aahing over whether to start doing makeup tutorials again? I'd really like to but at the same time I never feel like they're very good or helpful, YouTube is hard enough to grow on as it is so I might stick to Instagram for the time being! Let me know if you feel differently though.

What have you been up to recently?

Em xx

YouTubers Are Killing Their Own Platform & Careers

There have been many YouTuber scandals going on recently, Logan Paul kicking off the New Year by glamorising suicide, Oli White (and others) continuously exploiting their teenage fans with rubbish and overpriced merch, and most recently, Alfie Deyes waving his privilege right in front of our noses as he attempts to only spend £1 on food and drink in a day.

Let's address this video of yours first, Alfie, shall we, before we get into the real meanings of this blog post? You may have uploaded the video as a 'harmless joke' and 'unintended to cause offence' but here's the thing, Alf - just because you didn't mean to offend anyone doesn't mean it's not offensive. The video was made in poor taste and to wave off living on £1 in a day as a 'joke' makes light of poverty and homelessness and the fact that some people in our country do actually face that struggle every day and they definitely don't live in a £1.7 million mansion in Brighton. Saying it's going to be 'difficult' because you live in a rich area? Going to town and buying the most pointless items just because you can? Do you need another way to point out just how wealthy you are for basically having what's a pretty easy career compared to some of the jobs people do? Basically, Alfie, no, you don't. I'm not in any way saying that the video was intended to be distasteful, I just think Alfie is extremely naive and immature for thinking a video like that was appropriate. Although not as bad as what Logan Paul did, it's the same sort of thing - no one points out to these people that what they're doing could be construed as offensive and wrong.

Why We Need To Drop The Phrase 'Basic Bitch'

So here's the craic.

I recently saw a makeup artist I follow on Instagram post on her story today 'you know you can do other things with makeup other than a cut crease' closely followed by 'watch me do a basic bitch cut crease tomorrow' and it got me thinking about the phrase 'basic bitch' and what it means and why we should just cut the phrase and stop using it. 

When someone says the phrase 'basic bitch' or 'basic', what are the first things that spring to mind? Usually Starbucks, avocado, Instagram, high street brands, glitter and Pinterest. Ring any bells? Thought so, because most women have some of these things in common.

The term 'basic' was used at first to describe women who liked all these things, and then gradually the word 'bitch' was added onto it by those who felt that these women were somehow inferior for liking bottomless avocado brunch. If the phrase wasn't already unnecessarily derogatory, it certainly is now. Being labelled a 'basic bitch' somehow holds connotations that you're therefore less interesting or less worthy because of the things you like. It's a phrase that suggests you have no further depth of cultural knowledge and therefore aren't worth getting to know beyond your appearance and your tastes. Men slap a 'basic bitch' label on you and won't bother getting to know you for who you are because they 'hate basic bitches' and don't stop to think for on second that a group of 'basic bitches' are still a group of individual women who all have their own personalities and identities that set them apart from each other - and this is only done because they all like pumpkin spice lattes. 

What I'm interested to know is where we got this idea from that people who like mainstream things are somehow less special or less interesting? I have a Spotify playlist filled with typically 'indie' music (Stone Roses, Oasis, Courteeners, The Smiths, etc) and still have to excuse the fact I have two Ed Sheeran songs on it. I get told that I'm 'basic' because I like Ed Sheeran's music. But, I hate to say it, the subcultures of 'basic' go deeper than just a 'basic bitch'. I also get slapped with the label 'basic' by the indie subculture because I like 'mainstream indie' and therefore I'm not 'properly indie'. I'm a 'listens to the Smiths once' girl. Yeah, I know, the quote marks are getting ridiculous now.

There must have been a point where we decided that we can roll our eyes at some people because they were a certain style of clothing or listen to a certain type of music, or for just doing things the same as a large majority of other people. And moreover, when did we decide that these people just living their lives in the way they want to affect ours in any way? 

But it also has a deeper, more twisted side to it. 'Basic bitch' is a term exclusively used for females. There is no male equivalent, unless you count 'bro' or 'lad'. But more often than not, 'lads' are still seen to be deeper than their interests. We say 'oh, he wears tanks and goes to Crossfit but there's so much more to him' and a 'basic bitch' doesn't get the privilege of someone bothering to find out what's underneath the G&T in a mason jar. Moreover, the word 'lad' has never been a derogatory term for a male, by any stretch of the imagination - so why do we think it's okay to walk around proclaiming people as 'basic bitches'? Of course, there are the people who accept the label and wear it proudly and by all means, reclaiming the term is something we definitely need to start doing as we have done with the word 'slut' - but at this point, men and other women need to cut using it as a derogatory phrase filled with snobbery and hatred for the mainstream. 

I think society is so eager to put us all into categories and subcultures, and the mistake we're making is letting it. We're forced to try and fit in with some label based on what we wear or what music we listen to, and okay, to some extent, people will naturally gravitate towards others like them, that's just a  thing that happens. But next time you're going to call someone a 'basic bitch' just think about the fact that that term reduces that person to their appearance and their interests, and someone who's not worth getting to know because they like mainstream things. We're all individuals, with individual tastes, styles, thoughts, dreams and creativity - so let's stop jumping for separatist terms the minute a girl with perfectly shaped eyebrows posts a picture on Instagram of a Starbucks pumpkin spice latte.

What are your thoughts on the phrase 'basic bitch'?

Em xx

The 2017 Roundup

I'm going to be completely honest with you now, pals, I can barely even remember what happened in 2017, the whole thing just went so so quickly. Everyone is saying it - it's practically the only thing I hear at the moment! But it's true - it only feels like yesterday I was waking up in January thinking how quickly 2016 went by!

I don't know if it's just me but I love seeing other people's Christmas trees, I think every family decorates them so differently, it's such a personality thing haha

it's kind of a tradition at this point for me and my sisters to put these cute little angels on the tree in the most interesting ways possible. This year we've got one clinging onto a branch, though she looks slightly drunk, and one attempting to climb the tree to the top. Don't ask.

my grandad made these little trees donkey's years ago.

So, as bloggers do at this time of year (I am such a fan of blogger cliches - call me a "typical blogger" any day and I'll be perfectly happy), here's a nice lovely roundup of everything that went on this year if I can even remember.

a fun autumn makeup look!

Hello everybody and welcome to my first blogpost in a while!!

Today I'm sharing these fun photos with you because this is a tutorial I filmed a while ago but have only just got round to editing and uploading (was uploaded today at 11am)

I mean, I do enjoy a LOT how well the eyeshadow matches the wall of my uni room, I think that's pretty cool and completely unintentional haha. Also s/o to Lily who gave out some handy photo editing tips in a recent post about how to get that lovely warm tone to photos, hopefully I'll have a few more to try it out on soon, as you can probably tell these got very red but I'm kind of enjoying it anyway?? I'm still trying to get my head around the ins and outs of colour theory but I'm liking having a new thing to focus on. Gives me a nice distraction from the bore that is Great Expectations, that's for sure.

Story Time: Didn't We Have A Lovely Day The Day We Went To Bangor

I went home for a couple of days, probably about 24 hours or so, simply for an orthodontist appointment. The journey down was fine - funny coincidence as I recognised both the two girls sat opposite me from both of my old schools - a nice relaxed hour and a half journey to my local train station. My mum picked me up and we went to my orthodontist appointment, all fine and dandy. Had a lovely home cooked meal, a great 12 hour sleep in my old bed and the best shower of my life the next morning. If you’ve ever lived in student accommodation you’ll know that the showers leave a lot to be desired. 

Mental Health & Oversharing Online

a completely unrelated photo that I took of my little sister a couple weeks ago on a walk (kinda just wanted to add a photo in lol)

The way mental health is portrayed in the mainstream media is something that is very controversial, and something I have a very split opinion over.

Netflix's drama 13 Reasons Why seemed to be where it all started. But recently, Netflix has released another drama named "To The Bone". We'll touch base on this one first.

To The Bone (you can read a synopsis here) first appears to highlight the struggles of those who suffer with eating disorders in a harrowingly realistic way - but on further viewing, it actually does no such thing. It's alarmingly triggering and portrays eating disorders, especially anorexia, in a hugely cliche and crude way - the close ups of bruises on Ellen's back from too many sit ups, the chewing food and spitting it out again, the shot of her naked in the foetal position at the end. It is horribly shallow, and doesn't actually offer any insights into why she suffers in the first place. Even though I've never had any real issues surrounding food, I can imagine that it would be frankly insulting to those who have had real struggles and problems with eating disorders.

13 Reasons Why is slightly different and I think opinion is much more split over it. I have a friend who I asked about it and these were her words:

"To me 13RW was perfect because it was so real. And they did it well, they had trigger warnings, they had help sites. The thing is, you can't stop what people see. It wasn't for sufferers, the guy wrote the book because he wanted to understand what led his niece to attempt suicide. Personally I like it because I think people that don't suffer need to see it without being filtered. I think it's got to be done but for people that don't suffer. And those that do, need the right support. There are people that feel less alone because of it, or people that understand what might have led people they know to take their own lives."

It's a very interesting point about these things being for the people who don't suffer, and also a very interesting point about not being able to control what people see online anyway, as there are much more disturbing (if that's the right word) things out there on the internet that could damage people way more. It's also an extremely subjective thing, you can never predict how people are going to react to things like this so it can be extremely difficult to cater for everyone's needs. On the flipside however, another friend aired these thoughts on it:

"I took a step back when I realised how destructive [Thirteen Reasons Why] was. There are barely any trigger warnings, which for a show about mental health is truly shocking. Also, it portrays what a depressed person acts like in totally the wrong way. It portrays suicide less as a desperate last resort as it is for so many and more as an act of revenge. This worries me because not only many impressionable young teenagers see this as normal and also make them think about taking their own lives as revenge, but also invalidates true suicidal feelings. The show portrays Hannah as an attention seeker which is something that sufferers of mental health issues have been battling with for years. I think media representation of these issues has so far to go, but these experimental stages have the potential to be very damaging to vulnerable people watching, and that's what worries me."

There are some really interesting points raised here as well, and I agree with the way it portrays suicide in an incredibly unhealthy way. The glamorisation and romanticisation of depression and suicide far outweighs the positivity that the show brings in raising awareness. However, something I've learned about the mentally ill "community" (again, if that's the right word) from being part of it online, is that we are never happy. Don't get me wrong, it's not a criticism, rather an observation. If there's a show about mental health then yeah, they're raising awareness but they're doing it wrong. But this is the issue. Netflix have got it so so wrong this time. No, we aren't happy because it's damaging and invalidating and presents suicide as totally opposite to what it is. The idea of the tapes guilt trips the people who listen to them into feeling maybe as, or more desperate than Hannah did. It portrays her suicide as something quite selfish, which isn't something I would ever want to say, but it does.

But going back to the whole "we are never happy thing". The question is, when do we draw a line between raising awareness and oversharing? It's a topic that Dodie and Hazel Hayes recently talked about and it really got me thinking and tied into this whole post idea. Because when do we stop talking about the tough stuff? When does the tough stuff get too much and starts hindering rather than helping? I myself don't share that much anymore. I used to - some OG readers may remember that I used to talk a lot about my own issues with my mental health and the problems I faced, and to some extent I still do, but I realised that it wasn't helping me. It's easy to just type something out when you feel at the lowest of the low, but I never stopped to think about how it may make other people feel or how it makes me look to other people. As someone who is very easily triggered, I didn't watch Thirteen Reasons Why for a long time (only just beginning while writing this post), because I knew that it may prompt me to share more than I should do, and, as I'm now recovering pretty well, was terrified that it would send me back into that destructive frame of mind again. I still probably share too much but I try to do it around people I know well rather than online, for anyone to read or watch, as I know how it's made me feel in the past when other people have done it. Plus, it's problematic for me. It makes me wallow in it, I got stuck in the mindset that I had to talk about it because it makes me unique, it'll make people want to read my blog, and I can't even begin to explain how unhealthy that is.

But I feel like I'm digressing. Back to the original topic - the question I have is this: will we ever know where that line is? Will we ever know when to stop talking about it? Are these actually conclusive issues that we can ever answer definitively? The way I see it is that there are two sides to sharing experiences both on blogs and in mainstream media such as Netflix. There's the side that the sufferers see - the damaging effects of romanticisation of their mental illnesses, the digressing back into their lowest points and the feeling that you can't get away from it. And there's the side that the non-sufferers see - the real, nitty gritty, graphic details of what it's like for us, and perhaps a greater understanding? But how do we decide which is more important? How do we decide when to stop sharing? How on earth can we begin to decide if it's more important to shield recovering people away from these things and just not talk about it so it doesn't trigger anyone, or if it's more important to raise awareness of the reality of mental illnesses? It's something I can't begin to place value on really. I think we're stuck between a rock and a hard place because neither option is ideal.

I'd love to hear any other thoughts on this because it's a very important topic and something we've got to talk about more. What do you think we should share and what do you think we should keep quiet? Where do you think we should draw that line between raising awareness and oversharing and how fine do you think that line is?

Also, just wanted to direct you to this blog post written by my friend Holly. She writes about accurate representation of eating disorders, talking about To The Bone and Feed and offers a different perspective to me, and like I said to her, her post is written with such depth and clarity so I'd really recommend having a read!

Emilia xx

Post Exam Thoughts

a lil picture I took of my lil sis in my grandparents' garden (aka jungle)

Ahh. It feels good to be back! I've had many a blogging hiatus but I reckon this is the only one that's had a good reason behind it, not going to lie. Exams are the bane of everyone's life, and I have to say the last three weeks have almost certainly been the most stressful of my life, maybe even the last six months as well! But, I finished about five days ago and since then, a lot has been going through my mind so I thought I'd share those post-exam thoughts that we all have after a batch of tough ones.

- F*ck. Education is over.

- F*ck. I'm an adult.

- I don't have to feel guilty for spending an hour in the evening watching Love Island.

- Ugh, I can finally get rid of those folders and notes and piles and piles of flashcards that have been clogging up my life

- No, I'm not getting rid of a thing until results day

- Actually, I'll probably keep them a little bit longer just in case I need them

- I want to do a hundred and one things...yet it's midday and I'm still in bed...

- I wish my parents would stop making jokes about how I need to get up and do revisiom

- Personalised adverts on Channel 4 are really weird...what if I change my account name to "dick"...?

- Definitely not ready to be an adult.

- Bourbons are suddenly disgusting (context - they were my favourite revision snack and now I've gone straight back off them)

- Okay, I've really got to get a job now

- I'm still drinking eight cups of tea a day. Turns out that wasn't a stress thing and I am actually addicted to tea. I'm not complaining though.

- Mmmm...82 episodes of First Dates on All 4, 2 seasons of PLL, 3 seasons of OITNB, 3 seasons of Gilmore Girls, and 2 seasons of OUAT still left unfinished on Netflix. 

- It's going to be a good summer.

I hope you all enjoyed this little fun post, hopefully I'm going to have more content up on my YouTube channel and on this blog through the summer. If you still have exams going on until Thursday - push through, it's only four more days. If you're already finished, enjoy this time off to the full. Have a great summer and enjoy every minute of it.

Emilia xx

What's In My Bag...Literally

Hey everyone!

While this may seem like a serious post, it's really not! I've always wanted to do a serious "what's in my bag" "here's what I carry around with me" "here are my essentials" and so on and so forth kind of post, I've never done it because if I'm honest, the contents of my bag change. They change every. single. bloody. day.

I think that's what you get being a Year 13 student with literally six weeks of school left though, so here you go - a little peek into the chaos that is my school bag. As is said in cult film Clueless, it is a "full-on Monet". (For those of you not cultured enough - I kid by the way - that's something that "is like a painting. From far away, it's okay, but up close, it's a big old mess". In other words, my life)

So obviously we start with the boring stuff - my textbooks. Love a bit of witchcraft and two sociology ones because Lord knows what my teachers plan for each lesson. I do also have another history textbook for US and UK and my English textbook but who carries textbooks they don't need?! I also threw my coursework folder into the mix here, which is stuffed to the brim of my history and English coursework notes. It's organised chaos, I promise. And a trusty pad of paper because I don't have a laptop and anyway, sort of prefer taking all my class notes by hand. I like to think it helps me remember them more...

And some more boring stuff. My huge pile of history coursework books. These can probably come out now and be shoved back on my shelf because finally my coursework is finished, two days before the deadline may I just add?! Love me a bit of light Hitler reading. Who doesn't? Possibly the most cheerful subject to sit down with a cup of tea at 9 o'clock. Plus my lovely pink "Red Flag Book" which is my school's latest idea to help us ace our A-Levels. This has been in the bottom of my bag for a long time and comes out once a week for the one teacher who actually cares about them. You don't want to know, trust me.

This is the last bunch of boring stuff, I promise! Pencil cases! My brown Jack Wills one was given to me yonks ago by my friend Izzy and it's still going strong and I love it very much. In there is about sixty Bic biros, five highlighters and that's about it. Then my slightly messy one with my coloured pens and gel pens in...which promptly exploded. Hence why the clear plastic now is not so clear, but rather a fetching iridescent purple.

Oh man, finally some more personal stuff! So in this set of stuff we have my essentials that are just always in my bag, even if I take it out on a weekend without the school bits. Firstly, the notebook at the back with some sort of pretentious arty trash stuff in is my art journal/diary/planner which I try and write in every day but also fail horribly a lot of the time :P I'm considering doing a post soon detailing some of my favourite pages I've done in it, so look out for that. I also have my Kindle Fire which I read on/watch Netflix on/play games on...it's basically a glorified iPad and it comes everywhere with me. 

My purse is a no-brainer, as are my glasses. When you're blind in one eye it's always helpful to have some extra help for the other one! Then I'll have whatever book I'm reading at the moment, if it's not on my Kindle, which at the moment is the Perks of Being A Wallflower, which, if you're an OG fan, you'll know is my favourite book.  Portable charger, phone, headphones, again no brainers. I also would shove my camera in this, even though I don't take it to school I do often take it out with me at the weekends.

And then we have the nitty gritty, weird things that everyone needs in their bag but doesn't really know why. For me, this includes five lipsticks, a lip balm, drugs, a bag of brace bands, six bajillion old bus tickets, used tissues (gross), a packet of unused tissues. some Olbas oil (from when I had a cold about a four weeks ago), some old lunch receipts (that I must keep so my mum can reimburse me hehehe) and some spare change. Oh, and some sanitary towels and gold eyeliner (don't ask because I don't know).

 Wow. You can tell I never clean this bag out can't you?!

So there we go! That's the chaotic contents of my school bag. The actual bag is one I've had for ages, it's from Accessorize and I got it about three years ago and it's still going strong. Very proud of it. 

I hope you enjoyed this fun little post about the contents of my bag, and I sincerely hope that yours isn't as much of a mess as mine is!! But in all honesty, I've got about 34 days of school left, there's no point clearing it out now...;)

Emilia xx

2017 // Is It Really New Year, New Me??

Whew, so keeping up with true emilia blogging style, this post is eighteen days late. Clap clap to me. Ah well, better late than never, am I right?

this is one of my four cacti, Caroline. she is now my favourite plant since my beloved Olivia the orchid dropped her final beautiful petals two weeks ago.

New Year is a very odd time of year. On the one hand, you're energised and you're going to make positive changes in your life. You're going to join a gym and eat healthily and start bullet journalling and do more photography and just generally subscribe to a healthier lifestyle. 

On the other hand...what's the point? You know that two weeks later your journal will be discarded at the bottom of your school bag/laptop case/whatever bag you carry around, or maybe it'll just be lying on your desk staring at you, making you feel guilty for not sticking to it. Your gym membership will glare at you every time you open your emails or your purse to see your card, reminding you that you still need to use it for perhaps the third or fourth time. The massive bag of kale and the box of quinoa you bought in an attempt at going vegan? Forgotten. 

So really, is New Year New Me real? Or is it just an ideal we all subscribe to at the beginning of January because we think this year, 2017, is going to be my year, I'm going to find myself this year, I'm going to be who I truly am. 

It's certainly an ideal I subscribed to. My new year new me positivity lasted for all of four days. It didn't help that on the fourth day of 2017 I broke up with my boyfriend and on the fifth day I had the worst parents' evening of my life - yes, even though I am nearly eighteen years old I still get told I'm failing by my teachers with my parents there - and on the sixth and seventh days I cried for a long time. 

But at the same time, none of that really matters. Yes, me and my boyfriend, someone I cared deeply for, broke up. But it's okay - it was the right thing to do, life moves on and if you watched my Letters to November you'll know how important it is to me to love yourself before you can love anyone else in the same way they love you. So that's okay. I'm not there yet - but nearly. Parents' evening? That's easily solvable. Do more work and plan your time and actually just for fuck's sake knuckle down Emilia. There are five months left of this. Five months and then you are free of school and this whole crappy education system. Five months and then the rest of your life begins. It's not that long in the grand scheme of things. Someone who's just got pregnant won't have had their baby by the time your exams are over. Weird analogy, I know, but it's true.

So yes. I had a few shitty days at the beginning of 2017. But I can still make this year my year. So many huge changes are happening this year. Like I said before, my school life ends in five months. I have a whole year before I go to university to do whatever I like. I still haven't decided what I'm doing yet but I am going to make the absolute most of that year. This Christmas I'll be in a completely different place doing a completely different thing and while that terrifies me, in another way I am so, so excited. I'm looking forward to a new chapter of my life this year.

And yes, I still have depression. But something changed recently and I realised that actually, while I might be depressed for the rest of my life, I don't have to be like this for the rest of my life. I can get myself better, no one else can do it for me. What changes with depression is the way you deal with it. My outlook on life has hugely changed in the last six months and in a way I feel like I'm finally realising who I am. 

And this is me.

I am a girl who loves horoscopes, oversized sweatshirts, boyfriend jeans, studying in Costa with cups of tea and being pretentious trash. I have depression but I'm coping through my art, writing and surrounding myself with people who are going to make positive changes to my life. And as for A Levels? Well, I am a girl who is going to prove everyone wrong. My teachers who told me I'm going to fail if I don't do something? I'm going to do it. I know you don't think I will, and I know you don't think I can do this - but I can and I will and I'll wave my results in your face on Results Day in August before phoning my favourite university to accept my place for September 2018. 

And then the rest of my life begins.

Here's to 2017.

Emilia xx

here is a list of people who have changed my life in 2016.

♥ claire

♥ duncan

♥ jess

♥ heidi

♥ victoria

♥ rach

♥ jack

♥ becca

♥ vicky

♥ emma

♥ james

♥ beccy

♥ sophia

♥ izzi

♥ christian

♥ izzie

♥ honor

♥ libby

♥ georgia

♥ georgie

♥ tom

♥ catherine

♥ conor

♥ jake

...and everyone else who has constantly supported me through mistakes I make when I've drunk too much vodka. 

Why We Celebrate World Mental Health Day

So I did have a different plan for a post to break my little blogging hiatus but given that yesterday was World Mental Health Day (or WMHD as I'll be calling it because that's just a lot easier and a lot less time consuming) I thought I'd write a post explaining just why we need WMHD and why it is so important.

"A semicolon is used when an author could have ended a sentence but chose not to. You are the author and the sentence is your life. Your story is not over."

You can read more about Project Semicolon here - it's an amazing non profit movement that I've been supporting for a long time. They are dedicated to spreading hope and love to those struggling with mental illnesses, suicide, addiction and self-harm.  Please consider donating or getting involved in any way you can - it's very special to me.

As I'm sure a lot of you know, I was diagnosed with clinical depression three years ago. I haven't ever been medicated for it because my case wasn't "bad enough" for medication, and I've struggled through the past few years with combinations of CBT and DBT and many other different coping methods proposed to me. For the best part of those three years I self-harmed, and am as of today two weeks and five days clean. I did make it to a year on the 5th May which I was really proud of, but you know, life is full of ups and downs and relapses happen and that's okay.

Mental illnesses are not a walk in the park. I wake up every day feeling slightly different, and I wake up every day wondering how this particular day is going to work out for me. Of course, there are the good days and there are the bad days. The worst ones are the days when getting out of bed takes every little bit of energy I have, and I feel nothing and everything at the same time. I'm so fragile that a single feather could make me explode and whether I explode with anger, sadness or any other emotion is just another gamble I have to take every day. I'm a difficult person for my family to live with and I'm a difficult person to be friends with because my mood can change so quickly, one minute I can be laughing and the next I can be angry and frustrated. I'm so sensitive that the smallest thing like someone raising their voice at me will make me cry and I spend my time trying to find things to distract me from the pain that comes from everywhere and nowhere at the same time.

That's what depression, and other mental illnesses are like. They're enemies that are everywhere and nowhere all at once. They're mountains that we have to keep moving. I have friends that also suffer from a number of mental illnesses and I see the struggle they go through every day and it breaks my heart to know that that's happening to them. As someone who suffers and knows people close to me suffering, I have a vested interest in spreading awareness and breaking down the stigma.

This is why we have WMHD. No, we don't have World Physical Health Day because there's no stigma surrounding physical health conditions. If you break your leg you get taken to the hospital, everyone sighs if you've been a bit stupid, you get told not to do it again and you heal. You get a bit of a fuss made about you and there's nothing wrong with that at all. But if you're having suicidal thoughts, self-harming thoughts, panic attacks, sudden mood swings, and the myriad of other symptoms of a mental health condition, you're labelled as "crazy". You're labelled as fragile and emotionally unstable, and you're made to feel ashamed of it and you're beaten down and told not to mention it to people and "just to act normal". We are accepting of every broken bone, pulled muscle, torn ligament, strained tendon, of every body part that goes wrong, except the brain. If something goes wrong in the brain that we have no control over, it's a huge mystery that we just have to keep hidden.

World Mental Health Day is important for everyone. It's important for the sufferers because it's a day when we truly don't have to be ashamed. I don't feel like I have to hide the depression normally but it always feels slightly awkward to talk about. It's important for us because it's our chance to speak out about our experiences and spread awareness of illnesses that have just as much impact on our lives as physical ones would and do on others. It's important for non-sufferers as well because (and I'm so trying not to sound patronising and I'm so sorry if I do) it just helps you be aware of what people around you may be going through.

Notice how in the title of this post I said "celebrate" as well. It's true. We celebrate WMHD because we celebrate our mental illnesses. They're a wonderful flaw in our lives that make us us, and while they won't be there forever, while they are, they're nothing to be ashamed of. You shouldn't have to hide in fear of letting other people know about your illness because if they think it's embarrassing then they're the ones who have to deal with it, not you. Your friends and family will stick by you through anything. Remember, those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. Working together and spreading the message of love and support is the only way we can end the stigma that makes people suffer in silence.

Sometimes it feels like I'm never going to get better, and maybe I won't. Maybe we will have our illnesses for the rest of our lives but what will change is the way we deal with it. Things can always get better and gradually the bad days will be few and far between. There are times in your life where you'll laugh so hard you'll cry,  you'll have sex and get high at eight in the morning and you'll travel to far off countries and look out over the world with not a single worry, and you'll think to yourself "What was I ever thinking? Why did I ever think I deserved to miss out on this?"

Some days will be better than others, but they're just days, and you always have more where they came from. The world keeps turning, the stars keep shining and the sun keeps rising, and you can hold your head high in defiance, because your very existence is a rebellion. Against everyone who said you weren't strong enough, against everyone who knocked you down time and time again. Against everyone who told you you were worthless. Against the very thing that brought you here in the first place.

And, like I said on my Instagram post, if Troy Bolton and Gabriella Montez could get through the summer at Lava Springs, then girl you can get through anything.

Emilia xx

Talking Frankly About Nudes | #IAmMoreThanMyBody

Today, I'm going to tell you a story. This is a true story, everything in this blog post happened exactly how I tell it.

Oh, by the way, if you want to skip the story, just scroll down to where the screenshots end. Some of you might be in a hurry and there's a lot of screenshots involved in this.

I have a dating app that you might have heard of. It's called Tinder. Now, I don't feel like I should justify why I have it, but the main reason is that I like talking to new people and meeting new people and just having different conversations with different people. Most of the time I make some pretty good friends and most people on there (both guys and girls) are nice.

But then, every maybe two in ten, think this is okay.

This was nearly a year ago...I wonder why he never replied...

And this is where the main part of the story begins.

So I'm happily swiping away in front of 24 Hours In Police Custody (which you should all watch, by the way, it was very good) and then this comes up. You can imagine my reaction.

"Oh. My. Lord."

Quickly followed by

"That can't be a real photo of him."

I took my chances and swiped right anyway, and nearly screamed when this happened.

Ten minutes later, this pops up and I'm like "I am on my way to a long relationship with a hot guy full of love, happiness, good sex and beautiful babies."

Things didn't exactly work out that way.

I was going to go on a feminist rant at him about how it's not okay to ask for nudes etc, but then  thought a bit more, and decided I was going to troll him...big time.

Upstairs my little legs carried me and out I whipped my Naked 2 and Naked Smoky, MAC Hue (woud've used Velvet Teddy but it was in my bag lol), Rimmel Kate Moss 45, Rimmel The One in "Naughty Nude" and NYX Butter Lipstick in the shade Pops.

And then this happened.

After a response (and a couple of dick pics which I really did not need to see) asking to "send real nudes", I decided that yes, I would go on my feminist rant at him.

In response to the question "Why are you sending me pictures of lipsticks?"

And on a parting note...

And just to prove I actually did this...

Ahh, the joys of screenshotting.

The End.

To ANYONE who has EVER asked ANYONE for nudes,

My main question is what makes you think it's okay to ask for nudes? Boys or girls, this is. It's not, alright, it's really not. Asking for nudes is rude, degrading, objectifying and frankly a really horrible thing to do.

Think about the implications about asking for nudes. 

You're telling a man/woman that their body is only in existence for your pleasure. 

You're telling them that they aren't worth talking to and actually getting to know.

You're telling them that they are their body, and there is nothing else to them.

You're telling them that they are worthless.

It's not okay.

I am a woman and I have boobs. I am a woman and I have a vagina. I am a woman, and do you know something? I have a brain. I have a personality. I have intelligence, curiosity, imagination, ideas, views, opinions, thoughts, dreams, hopes, cares. I am so much more than my body.

My body is not there to bring you pleasure. My body is not in existence for me to show you my boobs as soon as you ask. And there you go, acting like you have a right to my body, a right to ask me to show you my body like I'm not a self-respecting girl who is saving my body for the right man/woman when s/he comes along. I am a self-respecting girl who has a lot more to her than her body, but no, you don't care about that, do you? You only care about satisfying your own needs. You don't care about how it might make a girl/boy feel when you ask her/him for nudes. You don't care that s/he might look at herself in the mirror and ask herself. "Is this really all people see in me?". You don't care that she might look at the recent A she got through working hard in an English essay and think to herself "Is this really worth anything?"

And as a note to any girl who has ever gone through that - you are more than your body. You have beauty, brains and intelligence that far surpass any gorilla of a teenage boy/girl who thinks that asking for nudes is okay.

Maybe one day, boys and girls alike will learn to respect other people's bodies and their privacy.

And anyway, what's so satisfying about nudes anyway? Surely taking the time to get to know someone and seeing it in real life is better than just a boring old picture...

#IAmMoreThanMyBody

Emilia xx