Hi there gorgeous pals.

Once again, it has been a hot minute since I stepped my weirdly tiny feet into this corner of the internet. And hey, I might only be doing it now as a procrastination technique (avoiding the dissertation is becoming as difficult as the dissertation itself).

In all honesty, I've really only just felt ready to sit down and talk about everything that's gone on over the past few months - and I won't be going into anything in great detail so not tooo much juicy gossip over here. But trust me when I say it's been a lot. 

Let's get the more negative things out of the way! I've been on a hell of a journey since I last chatted to you guys, where through trials and tribulations of dating, having another partner and a whole polycule I've decided that "polyamory" in the true meaning of it just isn't for me. Non-monogamy is much more my style and the phrase I'm going with for the time being until I figure it out. I've also been through two breakups - both with the other partner and the whole polycule. We're fine - the situation is still a bit delicate but Gus and I are still good and strong and really, that's the most important part to me! No more detail needed than that, though, because as I've learned, situations involving five people with very different needs, wants and ways of figuring things out can get quite tricky quite quickly. After taking some time away from non-monogamy for myself though, I've started dating again, and have made some wonderful new friends who are enriching my life in truly excellent ways. All's well that ends well!

Other than that, since we last spoke I've been through two deadline seasons that nearly killed me, and am as of yesterday four weeks away from finishing my dissertation and my Master's completely. I've loved every second of it, but not sure how sad I'll be to see the back of it. So Emilia, what will you be doing once it's finished? Moving home again?

Well I'm glad you've asked because actually...no. And this is the most exciting part of my life update - your gal got a real life, proper, adult, salary-paying graduate job. I'll be starting as a Graduate Creative Copywriter at the end of August with a company based in Manchester, so I get to stay here for as long as I want to now. And while my brain is constantly flicking back to regretting the decision to sign my life away, I am so incredibly happy and grateful that I got the opportunity to do this job as it's exactly what I wanted and I just can't wait to stop being a student and start being a Real Adult.

And on top of that friends, staying in Manchester also means I get to stay living in the tiny shoebox of a flat that Gus and I have moved into!! We moved at the end of June, him for the fifth and final year of his medicine degree and me just until I finished my MA and knew what I was doing afterwards. And now I know what I'm doing I'm being added to the tenancy agreement as we speak and officially am living here. The flat is proving to be small, but an excellent place for the two of us to start real life together and so incredibly cheap. Of course, he'll be studying for the next year until his own real life starts but it does mean I get a 25% reduction on council tax....which reminds me, I need to sort that out sooner rather than later.

Council tax aside, it definitely feels as if a new chapter of my life is opening up and I'm very ready for it. There's still a lot of processing on my side to be done and I'm coming out of the last few months feeling a bit fragile (for some reason it feels like I've been through one of those rock polishers, that's honestly the best way I can describe it) but hey, if anyone was in need of some toxic positivity, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, right? And as well as that, I've gained probably more than what I've lost, so I'm just trying to focus on that bit for now.

How are all of you doing?! Do catch me up, I'd love to hear about it.

Emilia xxx 

So, I Started Third Year | Honest Life Update

Okay, so if you DON'T follow me on Twitter (and if you're not, then really, what is wrong with you???) then you won't know and won't have been incessantly irritated by my constant going on about starting my third and final year of my undergrad degree!

I started writing this blogpost about a week ago, but things have been slightly turbulent since then so I thought I'd give you a shortie little honest life update rather than sugarcoating my first couple weeks back at uni. Don't get me wrong, the workload hasn't piled up much so far apart from a few books to read but it's more my mental health. I should've seen it coming - I am not the kind of person who deals well with change, I don't like feeling out of control and that's pretty much all I've felt for the past couple of weeks. There's been people and situations I've been avoiding which is getting harder to do and harder to deal with and honestly, I've been romanticising the idea of working myself into the ground this year more than I need to and I think I'm just going to try and take a step back and start being a bit more sensible. I don't think the nonstop rain in Manchester recently has been helping and the SAD is definitely kicking in now but hey, I'm pretty used to that - it always gets like this at this point in the year.

However, there are a couple of positives from the last couple of weeks too! I started uni properly and have had at least one class for all my modules now which has been good and set me a little more at ease now that I actually know what I'm supposed to be doing. I've also taken the plunge finally and joined the mountaineering society at university - I was part of athletics in first year but never really felt like I belonged as it was a very elitist group, but I felt like I settled right in with the climbers, it's such a chill activity and literally no one cares if you're a bit crap which feels really good. They're a lovely, down-to-earth bunch and I felt at home from the first session - kind of can't wait to go back every week now! I've not done the society thing properly at uni and kind of wish I hadn't left it right till third year now!

I also thought I'd mention that I went to see Malory Towers on stage at HOME theatre this weekend! My mum, a family friend and my sisters both came up for it and while it's the craziest, most bizarre production I've ever seen I loved every bit of it, so much nostalgia was felt and it was lovely to spend time with the family which I hardly get to do at uni.

Getting back into the swing of it is hard but like I said on the Instagram story - we're gonna get there because that's what we do over here!

Em xx

Accepting My Scars In Summer Season

TW // this post contains references to self-harming. There are support links mentioned at the bottom of this post if you're struggling - please please use them :))

This is a topic I've wanted to address for a while, even though it's quite a sensitive subject and quite personal, but as someone who first started self harming four and a half years ago and therefore has quite a lot of experience in dealing with the scars and the stigma that comes with it, there's almost an obligation that I really don't mind having to share those experiences and how I came to accepting my scars for what they are.

Self-harm scars have always been seen differently to other scars. People like to stare, even if, like me, you don't have that many visible ones. But as soon as they've looked they turn away quickly, like a child caught with their hand in the cookie jar. They're a tough thing to look at, especially since people who have never been in that situation can't possibly understand why someone would do that to themselves, and I think that's why people stare - almost out of some sort of gruesome fascination with the concept of hurting yourself. We with visible scars are labelled as crazy or psychotic because who on earth other than a psycho would hurt themselves that much?! The stigma around self-harm scars are one of the bigger issues we as mental health sufferers and survivors struggle with because people just don't understand it. We also get seen as exhibitionists - showing our scars off because we want people to stare and comment and we want to draw attention to us - we often can't win. If we cover them we're not accepting ourselves and if we show them we're attention seeking.

But why does that mean we should be ashamed of them? For the longest, longest time I would subject myself to wearing sweatshirts and long sleeves in the height of summer because I didn't want anyone at school to see the ninety cuts up my left arm and gaze at me with that pitiful look that they have when they've just slapped you with the label 'crazy'. Or at least that's what I thought everyone did.

When I started therapy in June 2014, over the course of the year I was with CAMHS, I gradually began to realise that actually, people didn't always stare because they thought I was a psycho and they didn't always have pity in their eyes. Sometimes, they had admiration. You see, these aren't scars because we're crazy. They signify the battles we've had with ourselves, battles that we've won every single time. They label us as fighters. And fighters don't cover their battle scars. We wear them proudly, showing everyone just how strong we are - we're survivors of the enemies in our heads and that's no less valid than being a survivor of a physical illness.

The thing is, there are people out there who will always be ashamed of our scars.

But me? I am not, not anymore.

Em xx

Support:

Mind

NHS

Samaritans

A List Of Little But Important Things

As long time readers of my little corner of the internet will know, I've struggled with my mental health for about five or so years now - I've been formally diagnosed with clinical depression and informally (aka by a psychiatrist not a GP) diagnosed with mild bipolar. I've also struggled with self-harm and one suicide attempt, and it's fair to say that I've had a ride and a half. But, this Mental Health Awareness Week, I've hit 214 days clean of cutting (which is also 7 months) which is the longest I've been since 2015. It's safe to say I'm in a much happier place in general than I have been in a long time and while this week has brought a pretty huge setback (check my Twitter if you wanna keep up with ALL the rants about a certain male) I'm still okay. It doesn't feel like that all the time but in general, I'm okay. 

One of the reasons I'm more okay than I have been is Dodie's book 'Secrets For The Mad' which my friend lent me a few weeks ago and I made my way through it slowly but surely, the same way I've made it through the past five years. One of the things in Secrets For The Mad is a list of 'little but important things' and when I read this page I immediately made one of these lists for myself. It's a very little thing to do but I add to mine on the basis that every time I smile about something, it goes on that list. I have it in my journal which I always have on me and sometimes, when I feel like I need to go and have a cry or be angry, I nip to my room, stick some Friends on, write about my sadness or anger and then I look at my list of little but important things. And there hasn't been a time when I haven't smiled at that list, so I thought I'd share with you the content of my list. It's a little, but very important, thing to do for self-care and your mental health - for me, it's more than just a list of things that make me smile, it's also been a list of reasons to stay alive. It's been a list of reasons to keep going, to stay clean, to look after myself and make sure that I'm okay. And so here they are.

"Little But Important Things"

The softness of my mum's cardigans when I hug her

Mine and my dad's identical (and stupid) sense of humour

Cathedral City cheddar cheese

A cup of tea made by a friend/Dad

Certain note patterns in certain songs

Reading

My starsign and laughing at my horoscope

Dog kisses

Cuddles when the person completely wraps you up

Being able to just cry and cry and cry

Daffodils

The light you get with rainbows

Friends who want me to come out with them

Putting together a really good outfit

Big jumpers and Big scarves

Snow! We love snow

Laughing until I can't actually breathe

Sunny morning light in my room

Opening windows on rainy days

The smell of a fresh rainfall

The way my dad appreciates things

The way my mum mutters to herself on the food shop

Waitrose decaf Earl Grey tea just before bed

"Smile at least 11.5 times today" (a message I received from a friend)

Matte nail top coats

There's more, but that's where I'll leave it for today. 

What's on your 'little but important things' list?

Em xx

An Open Letter to Logan Paul (TW)

This post may contain material that could upset people who have struggled with self harming, depression, anxiety and suicidal thoughts. If you have or are, there is a list at the bottom of this post of places you can turn to. I implore you not to continue reading if you're easily triggered.

Dear Mr Paul,

You see the girl who writes this blog? Hi, that's me. I'm eighteen years old. I'm a student, a writer, an artist, an amateur photographer, a very small YouTuber, I like dogs and I collect lipstick and like to scrapbook and three and a half years ago on the 21st June 2014 I tried to take my own life.

I'd been struggling with low moods, self harm and panic attacks for about six months. I felt like no one understood, no one cared about me and that I didn't have a place in this world. I had no purpose and my life was going nowhere. My family didn't get it, they didn't listen when I said I had to skip class because I couldn't breathe. My father told me to "pull myself together" when they found out I cut myself. I couldn't see a way out. So I overdosed and when I woke up the next morning without expecting to I was scared, confused and I didn't know what harm I'd potentially inflicted on myself. I was terrified because suddenly I realised I didn't want to die.

I was fourteen years old. I was the same age as a lot of your viewers.

My mother found out. I think it brought it home to her that actually something really was wrong. She took me to hospital that day and I was admitted to the CAHMS Crisis Watchlist and then underwent a year of weekly therapy sessions. Don't worry - I'm better now. I still struggle with depression and anxiety but I'm much more able to compartmentalise and deal with it myself. My parents now are much more understanding and for the most part, the feelings of four years ago are feelings I've not had in a long, long time.

Until yesterday morning when I found out that you had not only gone onto sacred, hallowed ground, with your cameras, filmed a dead body, laughed about it, went home and watched that footage and spent perhaps hours editing it, but also that you were stupid enough to upload that to YouTube knowing your audience demographic, knowing who would click on that video thinking "oh, it's just Logan having a laugh again" not knowing what they would find in that video. Young people, the same age as me when I made my attempt, the same age as me now, people who will never be able to forget the images they saw in your video. It doesn't matter that it's taken down now - you still did it, you made a conscious choice to upload that video and what's done is done. Young people have seen it and taken that in and may well be scarred for the rest of their lives which should be happy and healthy. They shouldn't have to deal with that and yet now they are because you put that video up.

Did it seriously, really, never occur to you in all those hours of editing and watching that footage over and over again that there may just be something terribly wrong with uploading that? Did it never occur to the team of people you inevitably have to help you to tell you that you were wrong?

And did it occur to you when you made your "apology" how bullshit that sounds? You tried, but filming and uploading a video of a suicide victim is never a way to raise mental health awareness. You can say over and over that you "didn't do it for the views" but you are not kidding anyone. You did it for one reason and one reason only. If you truly wanted to raise awareness, you would never have taken your cameras in there. You would never have joked and laughed and you would never ever have uploaded that. You would have sat down some time after, having had time to process what you had seen, and you would have explained it in non-triggering terms and pointed your viewers in the directions of suicide hotlines and places they can go if they are being affected.

How on earth do you think your viewers would have felt if, like me, they were a suicide survivor and they saw that video? I never had the displeasure of watching it but even seeing the outcry online made me shiver and it took me back to four years ago when I was at that point. As a suicide survivor and someone who has made an attempt on their life, who has been at the absolute lowest lows of their existence, what you did is deplorable. It not only invalidates suicide and makes it seem attention seeking and makes it look like a joke, things we are struggling with anyway, it invalidates that particular person's struggle, let alone everyone's struggle.

Did you think about that person? That person was a person. They were a living, breathing, human being, much like you and me. They had thoughts, an imagination, dreams, hopes, a life. They had a family who are no doubt still grieving for their loved one. Losing a loved one is hard as it is, but losing a loved one to suicide is the hardest. Losing a loved one to suicide and then seeing what you uploaded on YouTube? I can't even imagine how that must feel and you clearly can't because you would simply not done what you did if you could.

You are an influential man. You have millions of people in your "Logang". You have power. You have a platform. I'm going to be honest, I've never really liked you because I've found your content a little silly and immature, but you've been harmless up until now. You've never been blatantly disrespectful towards other people and a country's culture and history. Yes, you used your platform in a stupid way, but it's been harmless. But now? You've abused that. You've abused your platform, you've abused your influence, you've abused your power. 

You asked for forgiveness. You called it a mistake. But here's the catch - a conscious choice is not a mistake. You made several choices in the making, editing and uploading of that video and each time you made the wrong one. You cannot possibly call it a mistake. You exploited a victim for views. You asked us to forgive you. And you have been forgiven - but not by the right people.

And no, Mr Paul. We do not forgive you. People who fight for real mental health awareness do not forgive you. People who have uphill struggles every day of their lives due to mental illness do not forgive you. People who will be affected by this video for the rest of their lives do not forgive you. People who have lost loved ones to suicide do not forgive you. Suicide survivors do not forgive you.

Good luck for the future, Mr Paul. I think you'll need it.

_____________

If anyone has been affected by the content in Logan Paul's video or indeed by the content in this post, here is a list of suicide helplines: 

UK - 08457909090

US - 18002738255

Australia - 131114

If you're in another country click here to find your helpline.

If you are not suicidal but you need some support, there are other places you can turn.

Samaritans - 116 123 or email jo@samaritans.org

Alternatively, you can ALWAYS get in touch with me. My social media is all @emiliarachblogs and the links are in the sidebar to your right. 

All we can hope from this event is that YouTube realise that something has got to change in the way they are policing their content and that people realise just how serious this issue is. If you wish to know more about Aokigahara please check out this thread, it includes some really important points about the culture and history of the forest.

Thank you for reading and please remember to remain respectful if you choose to comment!

Em xx

World Mental Health Day 2017

If I'm honest, I wasn't really sure what to write about this year on World Mental Health Day. My post last year was all about why we celebrate it, celebrate being the key word there, and I don't feel like I have anything to add to that a year later.

A lot can change in a year. Last year on World Mental Health Day I'd made it to fourteen days clean of self harming. As you can see above, however, I've made it to 147. I'm in a different place with different people and it's made all the difference. I'm happy.

Mental Health & Oversharing Online

a completely unrelated photo that I took of my little sister a couple weeks ago on a walk (kinda just wanted to add a photo in lol)

The way mental health is portrayed in the mainstream media is something that is very controversial, and something I have a very split opinion over.

Netflix's drama 13 Reasons Why seemed to be where it all started. But recently, Netflix has released another drama named "To The Bone". We'll touch base on this one first.

To The Bone (you can read a synopsis here) first appears to highlight the struggles of those who suffer with eating disorders in a harrowingly realistic way - but on further viewing, it actually does no such thing. It's alarmingly triggering and portrays eating disorders, especially anorexia, in a hugely cliche and crude way - the close ups of bruises on Ellen's back from too many sit ups, the chewing food and spitting it out again, the shot of her naked in the foetal position at the end. It is horribly shallow, and doesn't actually offer any insights into why she suffers in the first place. Even though I've never had any real issues surrounding food, I can imagine that it would be frankly insulting to those who have had real struggles and problems with eating disorders.

13 Reasons Why is slightly different and I think opinion is much more split over it. I have a friend who I asked about it and these were her words:

"To me 13RW was perfect because it was so real. And they did it well, they had trigger warnings, they had help sites. The thing is, you can't stop what people see. It wasn't for sufferers, the guy wrote the book because he wanted to understand what led his niece to attempt suicide. Personally I like it because I think people that don't suffer need to see it without being filtered. I think it's got to be done but for people that don't suffer. And those that do, need the right support. There are people that feel less alone because of it, or people that understand what might have led people they know to take their own lives."

It's a very interesting point about these things being for the people who don't suffer, and also a very interesting point about not being able to control what people see online anyway, as there are much more disturbing (if that's the right word) things out there on the internet that could damage people way more. It's also an extremely subjective thing, you can never predict how people are going to react to things like this so it can be extremely difficult to cater for everyone's needs. On the flipside however, another friend aired these thoughts on it:

"I took a step back when I realised how destructive [Thirteen Reasons Why] was. There are barely any trigger warnings, which for a show about mental health is truly shocking. Also, it portrays what a depressed person acts like in totally the wrong way. It portrays suicide less as a desperate last resort as it is for so many and more as an act of revenge. This worries me because not only many impressionable young teenagers see this as normal and also make them think about taking their own lives as revenge, but also invalidates true suicidal feelings. The show portrays Hannah as an attention seeker which is something that sufferers of mental health issues have been battling with for years. I think media representation of these issues has so far to go, but these experimental stages have the potential to be very damaging to vulnerable people watching, and that's what worries me."

There are some really interesting points raised here as well, and I agree with the way it portrays suicide in an incredibly unhealthy way. The glamorisation and romanticisation of depression and suicide far outweighs the positivity that the show brings in raising awareness. However, something I've learned about the mentally ill "community" (again, if that's the right word) from being part of it online, is that we are never happy. Don't get me wrong, it's not a criticism, rather an observation. If there's a show about mental health then yeah, they're raising awareness but they're doing it wrong. But this is the issue. Netflix have got it so so wrong this time. No, we aren't happy because it's damaging and invalidating and presents suicide as totally opposite to what it is. The idea of the tapes guilt trips the people who listen to them into feeling maybe as, or more desperate than Hannah did. It portrays her suicide as something quite selfish, which isn't something I would ever want to say, but it does.

But going back to the whole "we are never happy thing". The question is, when do we draw a line between raising awareness and oversharing? It's a topic that Dodie and Hazel Hayes recently talked about and it really got me thinking and tied into this whole post idea. Because when do we stop talking about the tough stuff? When does the tough stuff get too much and starts hindering rather than helping? I myself don't share that much anymore. I used to - some OG readers may remember that I used to talk a lot about my own issues with my mental health and the problems I faced, and to some extent I still do, but I realised that it wasn't helping me. It's easy to just type something out when you feel at the lowest of the low, but I never stopped to think about how it may make other people feel or how it makes me look to other people. As someone who is very easily triggered, I didn't watch Thirteen Reasons Why for a long time (only just beginning while writing this post), because I knew that it may prompt me to share more than I should do, and, as I'm now recovering pretty well, was terrified that it would send me back into that destructive frame of mind again. I still probably share too much but I try to do it around people I know well rather than online, for anyone to read or watch, as I know how it's made me feel in the past when other people have done it. Plus, it's problematic for me. It makes me wallow in it, I got stuck in the mindset that I had to talk about it because it makes me unique, it'll make people want to read my blog, and I can't even begin to explain how unhealthy that is.

But I feel like I'm digressing. Back to the original topic - the question I have is this: will we ever know where that line is? Will we ever know when to stop talking about it? Are these actually conclusive issues that we can ever answer definitively? The way I see it is that there are two sides to sharing experiences both on blogs and in mainstream media such as Netflix. There's the side that the sufferers see - the damaging effects of romanticisation of their mental illnesses, the digressing back into their lowest points and the feeling that you can't get away from it. And there's the side that the non-sufferers see - the real, nitty gritty, graphic details of what it's like for us, and perhaps a greater understanding? But how do we decide which is more important? How do we decide when to stop sharing? How on earth can we begin to decide if it's more important to shield recovering people away from these things and just not talk about it so it doesn't trigger anyone, or if it's more important to raise awareness of the reality of mental illnesses? It's something I can't begin to place value on really. I think we're stuck between a rock and a hard place because neither option is ideal.

I'd love to hear any other thoughts on this because it's a very important topic and something we've got to talk about more. What do you think we should share and what do you think we should keep quiet? Where do you think we should draw that line between raising awareness and oversharing and how fine do you think that line is?

Also, just wanted to direct you to this blog post written by my friend Holly. She writes about accurate representation of eating disorders, talking about To The Bone and Feed and offers a different perspective to me, and like I said to her, her post is written with such depth and clarity so I'd really recommend having a read!

Emilia xx

Why We Celebrate World Mental Health Day

So I did have a different plan for a post to break my little blogging hiatus but given that yesterday was World Mental Health Day (or WMHD as I'll be calling it because that's just a lot easier and a lot less time consuming) I thought I'd write a post explaining just why we need WMHD and why it is so important.

"A semicolon is used when an author could have ended a sentence but chose not to. You are the author and the sentence is your life. Your story is not over."

You can read more about Project Semicolon here - it's an amazing non profit movement that I've been supporting for a long time. They are dedicated to spreading hope and love to those struggling with mental illnesses, suicide, addiction and self-harm.  Please consider donating or getting involved in any way you can - it's very special to me.

As I'm sure a lot of you know, I was diagnosed with clinical depression three years ago. I haven't ever been medicated for it because my case wasn't "bad enough" for medication, and I've struggled through the past few years with combinations of CBT and DBT and many other different coping methods proposed to me. For the best part of those three years I self-harmed, and am as of today two weeks and five days clean. I did make it to a year on the 5th May which I was really proud of, but you know, life is full of ups and downs and relapses happen and that's okay.

Mental illnesses are not a walk in the park. I wake up every day feeling slightly different, and I wake up every day wondering how this particular day is going to work out for me. Of course, there are the good days and there are the bad days. The worst ones are the days when getting out of bed takes every little bit of energy I have, and I feel nothing and everything at the same time. I'm so fragile that a single feather could make me explode and whether I explode with anger, sadness or any other emotion is just another gamble I have to take every day. I'm a difficult person for my family to live with and I'm a difficult person to be friends with because my mood can change so quickly, one minute I can be laughing and the next I can be angry and frustrated. I'm so sensitive that the smallest thing like someone raising their voice at me will make me cry and I spend my time trying to find things to distract me from the pain that comes from everywhere and nowhere at the same time.

That's what depression, and other mental illnesses are like. They're enemies that are everywhere and nowhere all at once. They're mountains that we have to keep moving. I have friends that also suffer from a number of mental illnesses and I see the struggle they go through every day and it breaks my heart to know that that's happening to them. As someone who suffers and knows people close to me suffering, I have a vested interest in spreading awareness and breaking down the stigma.

This is why we have WMHD. No, we don't have World Physical Health Day because there's no stigma surrounding physical health conditions. If you break your leg you get taken to the hospital, everyone sighs if you've been a bit stupid, you get told not to do it again and you heal. You get a bit of a fuss made about you and there's nothing wrong with that at all. But if you're having suicidal thoughts, self-harming thoughts, panic attacks, sudden mood swings, and the myriad of other symptoms of a mental health condition, you're labelled as "crazy". You're labelled as fragile and emotionally unstable, and you're made to feel ashamed of it and you're beaten down and told not to mention it to people and "just to act normal". We are accepting of every broken bone, pulled muscle, torn ligament, strained tendon, of every body part that goes wrong, except the brain. If something goes wrong in the brain that we have no control over, it's a huge mystery that we just have to keep hidden.

World Mental Health Day is important for everyone. It's important for the sufferers because it's a day when we truly don't have to be ashamed. I don't feel like I have to hide the depression normally but it always feels slightly awkward to talk about. It's important for us because it's our chance to speak out about our experiences and spread awareness of illnesses that have just as much impact on our lives as physical ones would and do on others. It's important for non-sufferers as well because (and I'm so trying not to sound patronising and I'm so sorry if I do) it just helps you be aware of what people around you may be going through.

Notice how in the title of this post I said "celebrate" as well. It's true. We celebrate WMHD because we celebrate our mental illnesses. They're a wonderful flaw in our lives that make us us, and while they won't be there forever, while they are, they're nothing to be ashamed of. You shouldn't have to hide in fear of letting other people know about your illness because if they think it's embarrassing then they're the ones who have to deal with it, not you. Your friends and family will stick by you through anything. Remember, those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. Working together and spreading the message of love and support is the only way we can end the stigma that makes people suffer in silence.

Sometimes it feels like I'm never going to get better, and maybe I won't. Maybe we will have our illnesses for the rest of our lives but what will change is the way we deal with it. Things can always get better and gradually the bad days will be few and far between. There are times in your life where you'll laugh so hard you'll cry,  you'll have sex and get high at eight in the morning and you'll travel to far off countries and look out over the world with not a single worry, and you'll think to yourself "What was I ever thinking? Why did I ever think I deserved to miss out on this?"

Some days will be better than others, but they're just days, and you always have more where they came from. The world keeps turning, the stars keep shining and the sun keeps rising, and you can hold your head high in defiance, because your very existence is a rebellion. Against everyone who said you weren't strong enough, against everyone who knocked you down time and time again. Against everyone who told you you were worthless. Against the very thing that brought you here in the first place.

And, like I said on my Instagram post, if Troy Bolton and Gabriella Montez could get through the summer at Lava Springs, then girl you can get through anything.

Emilia xx