This post may contain material that could upset people who have struggled with self harming, depression, anxiety and suicidal thoughts. If you have or are, there is a list at the bottom of this post of places you can turn to. I implore you not to continue reading if you're easily triggered.
Dear Mr Paul,
You see the girl who writes this blog? Hi, that's me. I'm eighteen years old. I'm a student, a writer, an artist, an amateur photographer, a very small YouTuber, I like dogs and I collect lipstick and like to scrapbook and three and a half years ago on the 21st June 2014 I tried to take my own life.
I'd been struggling with low moods, self harm and panic attacks for about six months. I felt like no one understood, no one cared about me and that I didn't have a place in this world. I had no purpose and my life was going nowhere. My family didn't get it, they didn't listen when I said I had to skip class because I couldn't breathe. My father told me to "pull myself together" when they found out I cut myself. I couldn't see a way out. So I overdosed and when I woke up the next morning without expecting to I was scared, confused and I didn't know what harm I'd potentially inflicted on myself. I was terrified because suddenly I realised I didn't want to die.
I was fourteen years old. I was the same age as a lot of your viewers.
My mother found out. I think it brought it home to her that actually something really was wrong. She took me to hospital that day and I was admitted to the CAHMS Crisis Watchlist and then underwent a year of weekly therapy sessions. Don't worry - I'm better now. I still struggle with depression and anxiety but I'm much more able to compartmentalise and deal with it myself. My parents now are much more understanding and for the most part, the feelings of four years ago are feelings I've not had in a long, long time.
Until yesterday morning when I found out that you had not only gone onto sacred, hallowed ground, with your cameras, filmed a dead body, laughed about it, went home and watched that footage and spent perhaps hours editing it, but also that you were stupid enough to upload that to YouTube knowing your audience demographic, knowing who would click on that video thinking "oh, it's just Logan having a laugh again" not knowing what they would find in that video. Young people, the same age as me when I made my attempt, the same age as me now, people who will never be able to forget the images they saw in your video. It doesn't matter that it's taken down now - you still did it, you made a conscious choice to upload that video and what's done is done. Young people have seen it and taken that in and may well be scarred for the rest of their lives which should be happy and healthy. They shouldn't have to deal with that and yet now they are because you put that video up.
Did it seriously, really, never occur to you in all those hours of editing and watching that footage over and over again that there may just be something terribly wrong with uploading that? Did it never occur to the team of people you inevitably have to help you to tell you that you were wrong?
And did it occur to you when you made your "apology" how bullshit that sounds? You tried, but filming and uploading a video of a suicide victim is never a way to raise mental health awareness. You can say over and over that you "didn't do it for the views" but you are not kidding anyone. You did it for one reason and one reason only. If you truly wanted to raise awareness, you would never have taken your cameras in there. You would never have joked and laughed and you would never ever have uploaded that. You would have sat down some time after, having had time to process what you had seen, and you would have explained it in non-triggering terms and pointed your viewers in the directions of suicide hotlines and places they can go if they are being affected.
How on earth do you think your viewers would have felt if, like me, they were a suicide survivor and they saw that video? I never had the displeasure of watching it but even seeing the outcry online made me shiver and it took me back to four years ago when I was at that point. As a suicide survivor and someone who has made an attempt on their life, who has been at the absolute lowest lows of their existence, what you did is deplorable. It not only invalidates suicide and makes it seem attention seeking and makes it look like a joke, things we are struggling with anyway, it invalidates that particular person's struggle, let alone everyone's struggle.
Did you think about that person? That person was a person. They were a living, breathing, human being, much like you and me. They had thoughts, an imagination, dreams, hopes, a life. They had a family who are no doubt still grieving for their loved one. Losing a loved one is hard as it is, but losing a loved one to suicide is the hardest. Losing a loved one to suicide and then seeing what you uploaded on YouTube? I can't even imagine how that must feel and you clearly can't because you would simply not done what you did if you could.
You are an influential man. You have millions of people in your "Logang". You have power. You have a platform. I'm going to be honest, I've never really liked you because I've found your content a little silly and immature, but you've been harmless up until now. You've never been blatantly disrespectful towards other people and a country's culture and history. Yes, you used your platform in a stupid way, but it's been harmless. But now? You've abused that. You've abused your platform, you've abused your influence, you've abused your power.
You asked for forgiveness. You called it a mistake. But here's the catch - a conscious choice is not a mistake. You made several choices in the making, editing and uploading of that video and each time you made the wrong one. You cannot possibly call it a mistake. You exploited a victim for views. You asked us to forgive you. And you have been forgiven - but not by the right people.
And no, Mr Paul. We do not forgive you. People who fight for real mental health awareness do not forgive you. People who have uphill struggles every day of their lives due to mental illness do not forgive you. People who will be affected by this video for the rest of their lives do not forgive you. People who have lost loved ones to suicide do not forgive you. Suicide survivors do not forgive you.
Good luck for the future, Mr Paul. I think you'll need it.
_____________
If anyone has been affected by the content in Logan Paul's video or indeed by the content in this post, here is a list of suicide helplines:
UK - 08457909090
US - 18002738255
Australia - 131114
If you're in another country click here to find your helpline.
If you are not suicidal but you need some support, there are other places you can turn.
Samaritans - 116 123 or email jo@samaritans.org
Alternatively, you can ALWAYS get in touch with me. My social media is all @emiliarachblogs and the links are in the sidebar to your right.
All we can hope from this event is that YouTube realise that something has got to change in the way they are policing their content and that people realise just how serious this issue is. If you wish to know more about Aokigahara please check out this thread, it includes some really important points about the culture and history of the forest.
Thank you for reading and please remember to remain respectful if you choose to comment!
Em xx
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