Some Lessons I've Learned From Polyamory

 

Hey everyone!!! I had some thoughts that I wanted to get down and hey - where better than to get them down on my lil corner of the internet?!

So let's update you first on where our relationship is at. I wrote in February about how me and my boyfriend have been in an open relationship since we began (May 2019) and how we intend to keep it very much that way. Since then we've moved on somewhat from an open relationship to simply being polyamorous. The difference is that in an open relationship, your other relationships are mostly sexual relationships, whereas in polyamory you're freer to make romantic or otherwise connections with outside partners. Both of us would now say we're straight up poly rather than being just in an open relationship. And it's really been a quite wild ride, especially over the past few months. During Covid neither of us have dated that much, but we've both dated a little bit now and are even in a lovely little polycule situation (more on this if you want it!) and having a great time - even if the latest lockdown has put a spanner in our works a little bit. This isn't going to be the most in depth post you've ever read, but I just wanted to cover a few things I've learned about myself since being in a polyamorous relationship. This is something I want to start talking about more on this lil space so count this as dipping my toe in the water to see if y'all like it :) let's gooooooo!!!!

1. You have to be so secure in yourself.

Honestly, this is probably the biggest lesson I've learned, and I'm still learning it really. You have to really learn how not to compare yourself constantly to someone that your partner is dating, and most of that comes from security in yourself and your abilities. Obviously none of us can be 100% secure 100% of the time, but knowing who you are is actually a pretty important step in this. Something I've found helpful is finding a couple of things that make me feel really good - I love feeling clever and I love feeling physically strong, both of those things make me feel incredibly powerful, so whenever I'm having a Bad Day I'll try and do something physical like yoga, or weights, or slacklining, or read something and do some university work. It helps to take my mind off negative feelings but also makes me feel good about myself and my abilities too.

2. Jealousy is the most normal emotion, and it does not have to be negative

This kind of relates to lesson 1 I guess. But accepting that jealousy is very natural and it's actually okay to feel jealous is a big step to take. We're told constantly that jealousy is bad and it's weird if you're jealous and jealousy is the ugliest emotion, but it's actually not. What is bad is how you choose to deal with it, but inherently feeling jealous is completely natural, and I think these days it'd actually be weirder if you didn't feel jealousy ever. The way we deal with it just talking about it - communication is another thing polyamory has forced out of me and I'm much better at talking about and pinpointing my emotions these days.

3. Comparison is the thief of joy

I think we all know this and we're all aware of this. Being aware of it doesn't stop it happening though. I still haven't really found a solution to this except lots of reassurance/validation but having read a lot of advice blogs/subreddits about this, I believe time is the cure, as well as being secure in yourself. It can be very easy to constantly think about everything that your meta (metamor = your partner's partner) has that you don't, but it's not constructive or helpful to think like that. What is though, is thinking about everything you both have and all the wonderful reasons you both love the same person and the reasons that person loves both of you.

4. Seeing your partner happy takes everything else away

There's a concept in polyamory called compersion which I guess could be seen as the opposite of jealousy, and I LOVE it. We're not conditioned to feel happy when your partner has a great time with someone else, but every now and again I've felt this warm, gooey, honey-like feeling inside me when Gus is telling me about a great date he's gone on and seeing him happy takes away every other negative emotion for me. I love that our relationship allows him to be fully himself and it's a lovely feeling to see it every day. 

5. You'll probably fall in love with everyone you meet from now on

Bit more of a lighthearted one to finish, but if you're anything like me, it'll probably start happening like this. I'm sorry, I don't make the rules.

Let me know if polyamory is something you want to see me talking more about in 2021!!

Emilia x