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"Don't you ever feel jealous?"
"I can't believe you never feel jealous"
"Imagine being okay with this"
...these are just a few of the things we hear from monogamous people about the concept of jealousy in polyamory. Today, I want to talk about it, debunk the myths surrounding jealousy in polyamory and try to reframe jealousy in a different way. And I would say the most common myth is this, and this can apply to monogamy and polyamory alike - and perhaps other ENM styles which I don't know enough about as I just haven't experienced them.
"Jealousy is a negative emotion, and I should never feel it.
If I do, I should bottle it up, not talk about it and get over it."
I'm here to tell you first and foremost: this is a lie.
Firstly: jealousy is not a negative emotion.
Secondly: it is normal and natural to feel jealousy.
Thirdly: you absolutely have got to talk about it.
Let's get into this a bit more.
The first thing to do when you start getting that ol' jealousy type feeling, or at least what I do when I start feeling that way is to simply feel it. Don't say "I need to stop feeling this way right now" or "I can't feel like this" just...sit there. Feel it. Let it overwhelm you for a second and just get used to feeling what jealousy feels like. Acknowledge it. Even say it out loud to yourself - "I am feeling jealous". After all - one of the main things in polyamory is communication and if you can't communicate with yourself and acknowledge these feelings to yourself - how are you going to do that with your partner?
The thing with jealousy is that it always comes from somewhere. There's always a reason you're feeling it and identifying why you feel that way is vital to learning how to deal with it. I feel like this is the easy bit though. For me, jealousy usually is from three reasons - envy, neglect or insecurity.
Envy
This is simple. I want what my partner has. If he's talking to someone new - I want it too. I remember back in the November lockdown he texted his other partner (my meta) "I miss you" and I got sad because I wanted that too - I wanted someone to tell me they missed me. I wanted my partner to tell me he missed me which was ridiculous because he lives with me right now. It isn't that I don't want him to have what he has, I just want it to.
Neglect
I generally feel neglect when I feel like I'm not receiving the same, or a greater level of attention than someone my partner is seeing, or maybe we haven't gone on a date night in a while, or maybe your own partner has given their other partner flowers and they haven't given you flowers in a while. I think this comes more into play for me in non-Covid times because obviously right now we live together and we aren't physically dating other people. There's only one thing that solves this really - communication. Tell your partner how you're feeling, say it out loud and then rectify from there.
Insecurity
This is my tough one and something I get hung up on way too much. In my last blog post about polyamory I wrote about how polyamory or ENM in general will force you to face your insecurities and simply not have them. I personally don't think this is possible though - the thing with insecurity is that we all have it. We're all in this mindset of comparing ourselves to everyone else constantly and this (pardon me going on a tangent) is directly linked to capitalism and how ingrained we are with it. Capitalism cannot thrive if people don't compare themselves and are constantly trying to achieve more than everyone else around them, and thus we get caught in cycles of comparison and striving to be better than other people. And it's a bloody hard thing to unlearn.
I think what's helped me most with my insecurities is figuring out what makes me feel good about myself - when I'm looking after myself and actually doing uni work and exercise and reading I'm significantly more secure in myself - but also learning that different does not mean better or worse, or more or less. It's just different. We are all just different people - no one is better than anyone else, and your partner does not like someone else more than you or find someone else more interesting - they're just different. In the same way that your relationship with one friend is different to another and the relationship you might have with your dad is different to your mum, the relationship you have to different partners are just different - and different is always, always a good thing.
Poly vs Mono
There's this notion I think, that polyamorous people feel jealousy more, or get more jealous than monogamous people do, and I'm here to tell you that it just isn't true. In monogamous relationships I've felt jealous, inadequacy and fear the same way I do now, because jealousy does not come from the situation - it comes from you and how you are reacting to something. When I was in a mono relationship I was constantly in the mindset that "the grass is greener on the other side" for both of us, but now I actually get to see whether it is. And what do you know - it isn't greener and it isn't less green, it's just a different shade.
Jealousy is not a bad emotion to feel. It is just an emotion, and the thing with emotions is that they must be felt. If I've learned anything in time spent in therapy, or years battling depression it's that emotions are better when acknowledged, felt and talked about.
Let me know if you have any other questions about polyamory, and I'll do my best to answer them and talk about it more!
Emilia xx
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